Sometimes the thought comes into my head of how the one wish I always wished for in wishing situations didn't come true.

The winter season has begun. It brings back the feelings that I would experience when I used to live here in my teenage years, a kind of pensive melancholy. I greatly enjoyed these moods when there was nothing to feed them. It seems that they are all too real now, the loneliness and slight depression put me in various states of desperation. On top of that I have been listening to Songs.....ohia, which is just fuel for the fire. Watched the Piano with mummy tonight. Jane Campion is not my favorite, but some of the feelings she builds through the intimacy that her characters experience are very feminine and exquisite.

http://www.scjag.com/mp3/sc/backontop.mov

I am so at ease

My life has completely changed, once again. Definitely took a turn for the worse, but I knowingly chose that path. Most of my concerns revolve around my work and driving around town. I do feel half dead because the things that stir me are mostly missing. Yet, I also feel like those are the things that used to stir me and I slowly became aware of the necessary changes that I had to make. Maybe it's just my "adult" phase. I have a "good" job, I spend a lot of time with my family, I live at home, I don't go out too much, I don't drink, I don't eat sugar or bread or milk,no caffeine, I take baths for entertainment, I swim 2-3 a week, fitter, happier, more productive. I also live my life repeating the thought that in 4-5 months I will leave for a long time. I depend on that trip to bring me to some kind of turning point. I have to start planning the project that I will be working on during the trip. I am very interested in oral history and I plan on doing some recording of my family and maybe also some written work and photography. I think I will expand that into a whole Bulgaria project, maybe do portraits of people around town and compile it into a website. I plan on starting the trip in April/March and ending in August/September. Most of my time will be spent in Bulgaria, but there will be a a month long tour of Greece, Italy, Spain, Germany to visit family/friends..godfather, Aunt, Andrea, Alina and cousins. It is all still a plan..I am going to NYC in 5 weeks to visit Laure which, I feel, is the first step in my traveling phase.

There is no need to write about how much I don't like my boss and all that stuff.

We bought a new bed..it is our first week sleeping together! Lovely.

I am in Los Angeles now and I plan on being here until I make enough money to leave for a long time. It is very surprising to me that I don't feel the least bit sad or dissatisfied. I also don't long for anyone or anything. Again, my life is running its course with me being the patient observer. I had my first day at work today, which came together very casually. I will assist my mother's friend with her architectural practice and maybe learn some AutoCAD along the way. I also met the man that i will help write a short book (an essay really) about the Hungarian inflation in WWII. He was incerdible. It felt like a Miranda July story about young girls falling in love with dark energies or 85 year-old fencers (the sport). He spoke quickly and clearly with a moderate accent. His hair was snow white and so was his full-body fencing suit. We leafed through his collection of coins and Hungarian currency which was organized with meticulous precision. I also have become the 10 year-old swimming version of me. Again, i can spend hours in the pool...doing laps, diving, floating, anything and everything.

Rock Bottom Riser

Today was the first day in a while that I have speant at home. Lately i can't stay home past 2 pm and I always have to be reassured that there are plans for later. The plan for today was a Bill Callahan concert. Earlier i went to Lucca with the roomate family. I LOVEEEE that deli more than i love some people. Mostly because of the quality of food and the people that work there, but also because it takes me back to the old world.

Had a heart to heart over some whisky about relationships before the concert. The intensity of the drink mixed with the honesty and outpour of vulnarbility created a soft spot for my friend and roommate. Bill Callahan was so amazing. Evan later enlightened me of Callahan's connection to Cat Power. I always wanted to know who she wrote those songs for... or, rather, covered.

Hi....HI!

Did you have to LEAVE?

I am way past due for my nap, but i also had a second cup of coffee. KILLER or (as one likes to say) CANNON. These days i am perpetually dizzy. For example, I am proped up in my bed right now and I feel like I am going to fall over. It's the best at work where i have to stand for 6 hours.... end of complaint. I took this old edition of ANP Quaterly from the gallery yesterday. It has Jo Jackson and Chris Johanson on the cover and includes a lengthy interview with both of them.  Love. Chris' work has brought me a lot of comfort lately. It makes the everyday  stuff shine. I read some of it before I slumbered last night and it brought me lovedreams. I can't really write about dreams because they are impossible to capture and no combination of words can re-create the emotional state they leave you in.  I am still is a haze of dream-residue. On a diffrent note...Due to my romantic failures as of late, I have concluded that as ready as I think I am..I am not. I also relize that 1st: I get too caught up in my own version of people and the world and 2nd: I give myself away too much. That is all for now.