I am in Los Angeles now and I plan on being here until I make enough money to leave for a long time. It is very surprising to me that I don't feel the least bit sad or dissatisfied. I also don't long for anyone or anything. Again, my life is running its course with me being the patient observer. I had my first day at work today, which came together very casually. I will assist my mother's friend with her architectural practice and maybe learn some AutoCAD along the way. I also met the man that i will help write a short book (an essay really) about the Hungarian inflation in WWII. He was incerdible. It felt like a Miranda July story about young girls falling in love with dark energies or 85 year-old fencers (the sport). He spoke quickly and clearly with a moderate accent. His hair was snow white and so was his full-body fencing suit. We leafed through his collection of coins and Hungarian currency which was organized with meticulous precision. I also have become the 10 year-old swimming version of me. Again, i can spend hours in the pool...doing laps, diving, floating, anything and everything.

Rock Bottom Riser

Today was the first day in a while that I have speant at home. Lately i can't stay home past 2 pm and I always have to be reassured that there are plans for later. The plan for today was a Bill Callahan concert. Earlier i went to Lucca with the roomate family. I LOVEEEE that deli more than i love some people. Mostly because of the quality of food and the people that work there, but also because it takes me back to the old world.

Had a heart to heart over some whisky about relationships before the concert. The intensity of the drink mixed with the honesty and outpour of vulnarbility created a soft spot for my friend and roommate. Bill Callahan was so amazing. Evan later enlightened me of Callahan's connection to Cat Power. I always wanted to know who she wrote those songs for... or, rather, covered.

Hi....HI!

Did you have to LEAVE?

I am way past due for my nap, but i also had a second cup of coffee. KILLER or (as one likes to say) CANNON. These days i am perpetually dizzy. For example, I am proped up in my bed right now and I feel like I am going to fall over. It's the best at work where i have to stand for 6 hours.... end of complaint. I took this old edition of ANP Quaterly from the gallery yesterday. It has Jo Jackson and Chris Johanson on the cover and includes a lengthy interview with both of them.  Love. Chris' work has brought me a lot of comfort lately. It makes the everyday  stuff shine. I read some of it before I slumbered last night and it brought me lovedreams. I can't really write about dreams because they are impossible to capture and no combination of words can re-create the emotional state they leave you in.  I am still is a haze of dream-residue. On a diffrent note...Due to my romantic failures as of late, I have concluded that as ready as I think I am..I am not. I also relize that 1st: I get too caught up in my own version of people and the world and 2nd: I give myself away too much. That is all for now.

 I spoke with my aunt and grandma on Skype today after a three month silence. My grandma said that she had heard that  I was interested in studying law and she was very proud. In that moment,  I was taken back to my metal state a month  ago when I was headed to law school for a day or two. So I though about it all of today and I started planning my future. On my descent into the Berkeley BART I ran into Eetai on his way up. I waited for him to join me below. We made small talk and somehow never discussed Paris or nostalgia. The conversation centered on our respective "jobs" and current San Francisco living situations. I never mentioned my future plans to him. "Just don't go to Law School," he said. How can I argue with that?

I am going to continue this after I rent my movie and buy my groceries. 

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made soup. steamed up windows. watched movie while curled up on the couch.

I have been caught up with the thoughts of two issues lately.

1. As we get older our relationships build and we leave a bit of ourselves with them. So when you meet someone you can  never have just all of them. You always get only part of them, or all of them and bits of other people too.

2. the other thing escapes me now.

Once again, i feel I am out of control of my life. Things are coming together and breaking so severely apart. God. Everyday is so different. I know this is a common thing to say, but I feel like my concerns change daily. I find myself reading horoscopes and going to clairvoyants to understand or at least be pointed in the right direction.. and I think and I think and I think and then I lay my head on the table, close my eyes and exclaim (to usually Max) I don't know what to do with my life. I am literally dragging my body along for the ride.

I also realized that I fall in love with a lot of different things.. like objects, people, states of being, moments.. Perfect example is this weekend. It came and it passed and now I feel a bit empty and I long for it. This is how I gauge what love is and if I am in love: if when I look at/experience the thing/person I want to cry for no reason and if I miss this moment/person/thing uncontrollably.

There you go.

somber and humorless.

I never feel like writing when i use the Internet because it has this heavy draining effect on my curiosity/intellect.
Anyway.
I babysat tonight. Poor fellow, he spent half an hour agonizing.. otherwise know as pooping in his diaper. His face contorted and turned several shades of pink and his body was stiff as a board. I love him a lot.
The title of this entry comes from a description of Rachel Whiteread as an artist in this article http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/17/arts/design/17Whit.html?ref=arts

I really wish i could go see this installation or I just wish I made it.

I applied to be a secretary at the Slow Food office, I anticipate no response as always.

This is just crazy.. http://www.56leonardtribeca.com/#/intro